Day 17 - 5 Steps to Address Helplessness

Our emotions are a huge part of our diet. They not only influence how and what we eat but they also are something that we consume and absorb that either feeds us or depletes us. Just as a beginner learning about nutrition can feel confused and overwhelmed, when we first dive into monitoring and being aware of our emotions we may feel like it is a spontaneous and foreign language spoken by our body. So was the case for me last night.

A mood-theme began. I started to feel helpless. I could not pin point what triggered this solemn mood, although I tried my best. I sat in front of the fire as my daughter circled the room, giggling, playing and trying her best to take advantage of my stunned and immovable mood to stay up later. Every object in the house looked different from this new negative perspective. My daughters toys strewn about the room, overflowing off the window sills, from underneath the couch and on the coffee table were no longer adorable. The new island table that I got to expand the kitchen seemed rather off and out of place. Even the adorable puppy was no longer a source of a gentle joy. She had just eaten cat shit and then licked my face.

When I find myself backed into a melancholy corner I try to talk myself out of it.

"Maybe it is work. I have been working a lot. I also have been putting things off for so long and the amount of things that are on my to do list is astronomical. I am overwhelmed. It could be that I have been trying to remain as stable and solid for the people around me, only to crumble a bit when the pressure is too strong. Perhaps it is physical. Everyone in my family has been sick and my body could be tired from attempting to keep the virus at bay."

It was helpful to realize that there was a lot on my plate and that so many factors could be contributing to my disposition. Yet in spite of all my analyzing none of this reasoning could solve the pit-in-my-stomach feeling of total vulnerability. Why is it that sometimes I cannot will myself back to a place of relief and good-feeling thoughts?

Helplessness is an emotion that has deeper meaning. When we look at the way it makes us feel we learn about its true nature. It made me feel small, inconsequential and humbled. Helplessness oftentimes is the layer beneath fear, anxiety or anger. Fear focuses on a target to run from should we decide to flee. Anxiety creates chaos and business to distract us or deal with the tasks at hand. Anger can force us to take action and make something happen. Helplessness can be the foundation of each one of these emotions because it says to us, 'You are insignificant and lack any power, skill, or ability to influence and take charge of your life.' From there we can conclude that we are in fact helpless or use other emotions (like fear, anger and anxiety) to distract us from the true core belief that has created the emotional imbalance in the first place; that we are victims with no power.

Talking about the subjects that can bring about the feeling of helplessness is pointless because any number of infinite situations and circumstances can do it. It could be as small as a clip on the news or a credit card bill or as large as a death in the family or being sued. The point is that helplessness is derived from a place within us that believes that somehow the scary world will swallow us whole. How do we change it?

The Five-Step Ladder for Empowerment from Helplessness

1.  Is it learned helplessness? Did you learn when you were a child that being helpless and acting like a victim got you attention, helped you avoid punishment or gave you love from others? Acting incompetent, dumb, dependent, inadequate or insecure may be a coping mechanism that you use to deal with uncomfortable situations. If this is a factor, take note and realize that learned helplessness no longer serves you and is now counter-productive in your life to feeling good.
2. Challenge irrational beliefs. Here are some examples:
1. I should always have control over my emotions. -vs- Emotions are an internal gauge that I can use to realize my power.
2. I can't stand feeling out of control or helpless. -vs- I can deal with and learn from any emotion I have.
3. Other people (or the world) needs to change so that I will not feel helpless anymore. -vs- The outside world does not get to decide how I feel inside, only I have that power.
4. If I decide to let go of helplessness than no one will love me or pay attention to me. -vs- I am loved and payed attention to not for my victim-hood but for my unique gifts and talents.
3. Problem solve. A moment of helplessness is merely an indicator that something needs to shift. It could be on the level of thoughts and beliefs as explained in step 2 or it could be that the outward world needs to be shifted around. What action steps could be taken to shift to empowerment? Making a phone call, writing a list, shifting your daily routine, saying 'no,' researching the subject at hand, asking for help or talking to a caring friend or family member may be all you need to recognize the muscle of resolution that you naturally possess.
4. Soothing self-talk. Imagine that you are talking to yourself like you would talk to a child, friend, loved one or someone in need of affectionate understanding. What would you say? What advice would you have to give? How could you shift the energy from helplessness to empowerment? For example, one could say, 'This will pass. It is temporary. You are going to be alright. I know you can find a easy and flawless solution.'
5. Recognize perceived helplessness. True helplessness occurs when things are truly unchangeable and not fixable. This is rare. Perceived helplessness is when we think that we have to accept the cards that we were dealt when in fact solutions do abound. Before you throw up your hands ask yourself what would happen if you changed your attitude, perspective or looked at the situation as a gift; teaching you a valuable lesson? Is there anything you are learning from this situation or a reward that may come to you way down the line because of being in this particular classroom of life?

I went through the above five steps and was able to transform my helplessness into empowerment. I asked myself whether the energetic lull was perhaps an attempt at gleaning attention and sympathy from those around me (a little, yes). I identified my irrational belief that there is not enough time or energy and replaced it with new beneficial ones (There is an abundance of time and energy to achieve what I desire). I problem solved by engaging in tasks this morning that I know feed and nourish me (exercising and preparing healthy food for the whole day), and by making the intention of moving life around a bit for relaxation's sake. By the time I reached step four I was in no more need of help. I was able to move through the block and enjoy the day.

Honing in on food when we feel helpless is a no brainer for most of us. The shopping, choosing, preparing, cooking, tasting, restriction, or chewing and swallowing of it gives us a sense of temporary control. It cakes over the powerless feeling just enough to redirect our attention to our body. If we can do whatever we want to it then we are the boss. Going down the path of using food as therapy is tricky. We can end up not only helpless to the things we have been pushing down below the surface but also helpless to extra weight, lack of confidence or attractiveness, low energy and even disease.

Instead of using food or ruining your day (or maybe even week or month if you like to dwell) to deal with the emotion of helplessness use the Five-Step Ladder for Empowerment Exercise next time you feel helpless and notice the immediate results.

Nat