Day 47 - Relationship Deal Breakers

A colleague forwarded a thought provoking article to me titled, What Are Your Relationship Deal Breakers? from the New York Times. The story was about the results from eHarmony's website survey of the "must have" and "can't stand" responses of its 720,000 members. It identified the top 10 deal breakers in relationship.

The #1 quality that women cannot stand was racism. The #1 quality that men cannot stand was "excessive overweight." Thought provoking.

Last night my husband and I were watching American Idol (hey, I am a sucker for those goosebump moments of inspired music). One of the girls auditioning on the show was a bit of a physical comedian. She showcased her ability to do an impression of a chicken. I laughed. Her demeanor completely changed, her face contorted and the movement of her body was not something you would expect in a primped up girl. One of the most attractive traits to me in a person is their ability to place looks aside and play. My husband shook his head next to me,

"Women should not be able to do that stuff. It is SO unattractive." He smirked. He said it to get a rise out of me, one of his favorite pastimes. But it got me thinking.

As a teenager there were two things that I found irreplacable and essential for attraction; humor and optimism. The boring and tired dinners with my parents (who never touched each other in the 15 years that I observed them) and flacid conversation always left something to be wanted. Imagining spending a whole lifetime in boring interaction was not my cup of tea. I knew that I wanted more than that. Spending a lifetime with someone who could remind me to have fun and let loose, what is more valuable than that trait?

I would stay up late every Saturday to watch Saturday Night Live. My favorite was Chris Farley. His bulbous and round naked torso in the Chippendale skit was priceless. When he was the motivational speaker, using his body to crash and break the coffee table, I practically fell in love on the spot. Sure, there was no six-pack (who cares about that anyway) or muscle definition and he was extremely overweight but the thought of traveling on the journey of life with a trait as powerful and passionate as the pursuit of humor was inspiring.





Maybe it was because I was a chunker of a kid but physical was low on my list of attractive traits. I understood that a person with certain physical attributes that were prized by society did not constitute a good lover or partner. But most people do not understand this. They believe that thin, muscular or taut is what will create an awesome marriage or guarantee a life of success. It is funny when you think about it. The body is just a suit. What animates the body is what provides the essence of life and partnership.

I understand that physical is important. There needs to be attraction and sexual synergy. Movement, flexibility, endurance and stamina are physical in nature yet extend into other areas; being able to enjoy nature, get tasks done, help and assist with the basic requirements of daily life and ensure the health and survival of the family unit as a whole. Yet physical traits being the primary focus will inevitably create an out-of-balance life, never experiencing true happiness.

Clients speak of their severe worry and feeling of inadequacy that their body does not look a certain way. Maybe they do not have breasts that are youthful or big enough; perhaps they are in a size 12 instead of a size 2; the weight on the scale is never low enough. Attraction is merely placing value on the unique experience of union, why does it have to look a certain way?

The shocking thing about the article that I read this morning was that there seemed to be a huge gap in between the two sexes. Women value deeper and profound core values, while men may be more stuck on looking towards the physical to fulfill their expectations than at something else. What are your thoughts on this?

Here are my thoughts: Maybe women are the leaders in the ideals of beauty. We need to reteach our men what true beauty and attractiveness is. We must stand strong in releasing the magazine and ad-ideals of airbrushed and Photoshopped models, prim, proper and hygienic to the max behavior and bare ourselves for the world to see with confidence. We do not judge based on appearance but rather lead the way in valuing the deeper strands of essence that course their way through our being. If we do not stand strong in this, then the dynamic of relationship and human connection may self-destruct.  One day we just might wake up and realize that our pursuit of the lovely was way the hell off. We may in fact realize that the quest that we embarked on was not for love and human connection but rather an endless journey into the hell of vanity.

Start by doing the following:

Rubenesque Figures

• When evaluating another for partnership focus on the non-physical traits and the physical will fall into line. 
• Stop buying fitness and beauty magazines. Enjoy movement and feel your beauty instead.
• Know that every model you see is not represented in their raw and imperfect form. 
• Do not have plastic surgery. You are divine with every imperfection you posess.
• Stop trying to lose weight for aesthetic reasons. Focus on health. In other areas of the world and in other times in history different body types were valued and treasured. Health is what matters.
• Wear a bikini on the beach and walk around. Never be ashamed to bare your body.
• Never allow anyone to make you feel ugly. Beauty is relative only to how you feel about yourself and what you have to offer the world - no one else can ever define or sculpt that for you.

Nat